Lately I’ve also taken up the habit of using the someecards motif to create my own cards, which often channel some dark thought or bit of sarcastic humor going through my own mind in moments of weakened self-discipline, but that I wouldn’t really ever want to say out loud.  It’s fun because other people on the site will vote and comment on them, and sometimes even send them to their acquaintances (er, enemies?).

So, check ‘em out, add your own, and send me a card. Or…maybe berate me for indulging? It’s always interesting to see how it plays out for different senses of humor…how does that stuff strike you?

“Hey, man, I know this is a strange request, but could I get a glass of water? I just had some really spicy wings for lunch and my mouth is really really dry.”  Hmm.

I obliged, wanting to keep the person who was about to drill holes through the side of my house happy.

“Thanks, man, gosh those wings were SO spicy, can I get a fill up?”

Sure.

He proceeded to wander around the house, checking out the cable install possibilities, chatting all the way. He started drilling, laughed a bit when he started to use the wrong bit. He didn’t mind me looking over his shoulder, and in fact was quite talkative about the inner workings of the cable company installer industry, how they were paid, and so on. He asked me what I did, got all excited about technology consulting and website development, and was just overjoyed beyond belief when I offered him a Summersault t-shirt. “This guy is nice,” I thought. “Extra friendly.”

When he was done, he implied that he could set me up with some channels I wouldn’t necessarily be paying for. He told me about the things that could be tweaked out on the wiring pole in the alley to adjust that channel setup. Lots of useful info for a geek, probably not so great for the cable company.

After another glass of water, we bid a fond farewell as he continued to thank me for the shirt and smile and say if there was anything else I needed just to call.

Super friendly, if a little oddly thirsty.

This second visit from the cable company the next day was a little unexpected.  “We just need to go over the work that the installer who was here yesterday performed,” he said.  I thought it was just an extra bit of quality assurance. How nice.

Until the next part: “yeah, that guy who was here yesterday apparently did his rounds while he was high…before he came to your house he was involved in an altercation at another customer’s house. Umm, He actually threw a wrench through a car windshield.”

Oh my.

At least now I know about the “spicy wings” code-phrase, as I’m notoriously bad about being aware of it when people around me are in altered states of consciousness. If there are others you’ve encountered in your service technician experiences, please do share.

Huh?

Oh yeah, universal health care was one of the things I bought on my $3 Trillion Shopping Spree. I did it at the website 3trillion.org, which asks the question: “The occupation of Iraq will cost $3 trillion…can YOU spend that money better?” It’s an interesting exercise, and a great way to put the costs of the U.S. presence in Iraq into perspective.

Here is the full list of purchases I put in my cart:

• Universal healthcare for all Americans
  Price: $920,100,000,000.00
• Apple, Inc.
  Price: $24,000,000,000.00
• Microsoft Corp.
  Price: $262,260,000,000.00
• Google
  Price: $2,499,750,000.00
• Become President of the U.S.
  Price: $1,000,000,000.00
• No Kill Animal Shelters World Wide
  Price: $7,000,000,000.00
• Sustainable Agriculture Education, Worldwide
  Price: $200,000,000.00
• End our Dependence on Foreign Oil
  Price: $500,000,000,000.00
• 1000 Teachers’ Salaries
  Price: $39,274,000.00
• Build a National High-Speed Rail System
  Price: $300,000,000,000.00
• The Office: Season 1
  Price: $11.00

Gosh, and I still have a $1 Trillion left over, but I got a little depressed and had to stop. Spending $3 Trillion is hard! Unless you’re a certain global superpower.

What would you buy?

With the photo here, I don’t even know what the hell is going on. It’s like the creepy older guy is trying to arm wrestle with the maniacally screaming younger dude over who gets to use the laptop, while the two women totally ignore them and instead grin broadly at the hamster dancing on their screen. But I’m like “creepy older dude, BACK OFF!” Why does he need to lunge into younger dude’s space like that, using his fingertips as a push-off to further invade? And why won’t either of the women help younger dude? This is some messed up stock photography. What was the photographer yelling at them? “Pretend you went to the office holiday party and took Ecstasy!”

I won’t say I’ve never had a hand in building such a website, but with apologies to stock photo models everywhere, I thoroughly discourage this practice. If you really want to put a human face on your website, then put your face on it (or that of your staff, customers, partners, family, etc.) When you use a stock photo of an ethnically balanced group of people to show how diverse and contemporary you are, you look stupid. When you use a stock photo of a bunch of high-powered blinking servers stacked up in a huge data center to show that you know something about technology, you look stupid. When you use real pictures of real people related to you or your organization, then you look authentic. If you can’t do that, then consider doing without the photos altogether.

So I’m glad that someone out there is having fun imagining what the headlines will be on the day when the whole Internet crashes and all online data is lost. I can just hear Tony Snow saying that “we deeply regret that a backup of the Internet does not exist at this time…we had always meant to get around to making one.”

What would it mean for your life?

A female voice replies: “Is Michael there?” “No, you have the wrong house.” “Are you sure?” I almost laughed. “YES I’M SURE.” “How long’s it been since Michael lived there?” What the hell, is this the best time a neighborhood history lesson? “I don’t know, at least a few years, now please stop banging on the door before I call the police.” And then I hear a car door slam and they sped away.

Always nice to have visitors over to the house.

1. If you are an officer driving your unit in pursuit of a motorcyclist refusing to stop, you should avoid pulling your unit onto railroad tracks to continue the chase, as this will usually result in several flat tires, structural damage to the unit, and a severe loss of peer esteem on the part of your fellow officers.
2. If you are a sex worker, and you see several law enforcement vehicles in the area of your office space, just because the actual vehicle that arrives to request your services does not say “POLICE” on it, there is still a good chance that it is an undercover officer trying to make a bust. When you are busted, your command of an extensive fabricated back-story about how you know the undercover officer and what you were doing together will rarely turn out to be useful.
3. Every police officer across the country is taught to ask suspects if they have anything sharp on them that might harm the officer during a pat down. However, most every officer asks this question while already sticking their hands in various pockets and crevices on the subject, effectively making it an irrelevant inquiry.
4. When running from the police, if you have illegal substances on your person and you decide to throw those substances away from you during the pursuit, the officers *will* take the time to go back and look for it and wave it in your face when they find it. For this reason, you should only ever carry illegal substances in invisible packaging, or with small rocket engines attached.
5. If you live in New Jersey, you should not ever get pulled over by the police.
6. Most police officers are fairly out of shape and have several hundred pounds of gadgets around their belts, and so are incapable of sustaining a fast pace when pursuing a subject on foot. They rely instead on collaborative efforts of fellow officers, or on erroneous choices of the suspects, the latter being a surprisingly reliable factor in successful apprehensions.
7. When you decide to rob a convenience store or a bank or any other location that is commonly known to employ the use of video surveillance, and when you then later deny the events captured in living color by said video surveillance, you should be prepared for officers to laugh and point at you extensively.
8. “Probable Cause” is the bread and butter of law enforcement procedures in the field. If you drive suspiciously, the officer has P.C. to pull you over. While pulled over, if you act suspiciously, the officer has P.C. to do an overview search of your person and the visible areas of your vehicle. If anything suspicious is found, the officer has P.C. to do a thorough search of your vehicle and possessions. And so on.
9. Many law enforcement officers see their work as taking place in a black and white world of good guys and bad guys. However, they are surprisingly non-judgmental about the character and motives of any given offender. The approach often turns to a form of excessive nonchalance, and so whereas the offender in a crime may be shocked and bewildered at their capture and the earth-shattering implications it has for their life and future, the typical arresting officer tends to view such an event as a notch on the ol’ utility belt, another bad guy gone down. This is probably necessary to be able to do their job at all and not go insane.
10. Being tasered hurts like hell, reducing any person of any size and strength of will to a sobbing, curled up baby. It will make you beg for mercy, and admit to crimes you aren’t even capable of committing, just to make the pain stop, oh please, make it stop.
11. Most cops become law enforcement officers through the influence of an immediate family member or close friend. It usually not an academic decision made abstractly, but one solidified through the reinforcement of its appeal during one or more exchanges with these influencers on the job.
12. Cops probably do not watch “Cops”.
13. If you are pulled over for a traffic stop, you should not get out of the car. You should turn on your interior dome light and then put both hands in plain sight, probably at the top of the steering wheel. From that point on, you should not make any motion that is not asked of you by the officer, and when you do move, do it slowly and always with your hands in plain sight. If you make sudden movements, put your hands in your pockets, or otherwise create any indication that you are moving in contrast to their wishes, you may be yelled at, tasered, shot, or otherwise beaten senseless.

Cops are people too, and most of the time they are just doing what they think is right. But sometimes they are bad boys, bad boys, and you really have to ask yourself, seriously now, what *are* you going to do when they come for you?

Announcer #1: Well, we’re sorry to break in to this news story about critical current events, but we’ve got a great jello recipe that can be yours for a pledge of just five dollars.
Announcer #2: That’s right Tom. Unfortunately, the phones are all quiet right now. If we don’t get a call in the next few minutes, well, I’m not sure we’ll be able to avoid clubbing this baby seal. But it’s up to you folks. Call now.

And then they repeat the phone number a bazillion times, placing emphasis on different numbers each time.

You sure don’t get that nonsense with those big conglomerate media companies. Clear Channel doesn’t bother me for my support, and that’s one time when I appreciate being a helpless consumer eating at the trough of mindless mass media. Beat that, public radio! HA!

Oh, wait. I kinda need a new jello recipe.